Today's post may hit a tender spot for you, but I hope that you will receive encouragement and validation by the end! Recently, I saw a meme (you know...one of those pictures with a funny quote) that read, "Seriously, what do stay-at-home moms do all day?!" Pardon me for getting my feathers ruffled, but I had a strong desire to list every single activity that I do on a daily basis! I then saw another one that read, "I do everything a stay-at-home mom does, and I have a full-time job." From these quotes and from friends who are not SAHMs, there is obviously a lack of understanding of what we do all day, and even some animosity towards those of us who have agreed with our husbands to choose this profession. So here is the next question...why??? I'm not judgemental against doctors, restaurant managers, realtors, or teachers...I was a teacher! So, why the judgement against me?
First of all, there is envy. Many women desire to stay home with their children, but their family dynamic and financial situation simply won't allow it. For others, they see women who stay home as setting back the evolution of women's rights. According to these women, we should be out earning just as much money, if not more, than our husbands and competing in the top professions of our society...not merely staying home with snot-nosed toddlers all day. Lastly, there is a lack of understanding of our daily duties because of limited exposure to us and our children (i.e. they don't hang out with us), and because many of us struggle to do this job joyfully. That final statement is where I want to focus today.
I want you to think outside the box with me today. When I accepted my calling to stay home with our son, I didn't realize that I was signing up for way more than I bargained for. Truthfully, I imagined days of blissfully teaching him his colors and numbers and frolicking from the park to play dates. Yes, that happens, but I forgot to check with my husband, and with God, on what other expectations would be nudged my way. Preparation for staying-at-home should require way more than a financial conversation. More importantly, every woman considering this lifestyle, or those who are smack dab in the middle of it, needs to have a heart conversation with her husband and the Lord.
I know I don't really have to list the jobs of a SAHM, but I'm going to do it anyway. Maybe I need some extra validation this morning :-) Yes, I take care of our son full-time. That's a given. But, I am also expected to be the house-cleaner, the cook, the laundry-doer, the bill-payer, the organizer, the errand-runner, the scheduler, the caregiver, the driver, and a hundred other things that aren't coming to mind at this moment. My husband is expected to go to work, bring home a salary, spiritually lead our family, and participate in things which I have scheduled. He has a hefty job, and I have a hefty job!
I used to grow resentful when Patrick wouldn't help me more around the house. I thought that my keeping our son alive all day was enough in itself! He thought that when we decided I would stay-at-home, I automatically would pick up all of the extra duties which culturally go along with your typical SAHM from the 1950s. There was a lack of communication between us, obviously! But, as all jobs do, mine has evolved. I have willingly taken on the other responsibilities listed above, but I have to daily ask for an attitude check from my heavenly Father. When I become cranky about my duties, feel unsuited for what is before me, or wonder why my job seems to be around-the-clock while my husband gets much-needed reprieve every evening, I am gently reminded (by Him) that my honey works just as hard all day long. My husband also bears the daily responsibility of financially caring for the three of us. Bottom line? Patrick was called to provide, and I am called to serve. Mommies, if your husband works full-time, and you stay home with the kiddos...he is called to provide, and you are called to serve. When we said "yes!" to staying at home, we also said "yes" to everything that comes along with it...even if we said it unknowingly :-)
One of the funniest prayers I've ever said was, "Lord, help me learn to clean my house." Seriously! Yes, my mom taught me all about cleaning as I was growing up, but it went in one ear and out the other. Plus, I certainly didn't enjoy it. So now you probably wonder if I blissfully sing while scrubbing my shower. Um...no. But, I am reminded that I am learning to serve my family while my husband works his butt off to bring home a living. My perspective has shifted. He has faithfully opened my eyes to the true calling of staying-at-home, instead of what I thought it would primarily look like.
Please don't misread my words today. I have to pray, every single day, for the desire and sweet attitude to do this job. I can't imagine myself anywhere else in this stage of life, but I have had to open myself up to some major schooling from the Lord on how He wants me to do this job. Being a SAHM isn't just about what our children need, it's just as much about what our husbands need. Being a SAHM means accepting all of the resposibilities that come with running a family and a home, whether you are naturally gifted in it or not. If He's called you to it, He will show you how to do it. And who knows...maybe our attitude shift (remember, it has to happen on a daily basis!) will be such a light into the lives of other women, that they can't help considering this calling as well.
Go be a blessing to your families today, mommies, and remember that our God in heaven sees all that you do...
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters..." Colossians 3:23
A wonderful post! Thank you, Kindra. I share your attitude about being an at-home mom. I think that motherhood is a calling from God and efforts to minimize that are from the opposite influence. I think that Satan knows the righteous influence that a mother can have on her children, and he's trying his hardest to undermine that with our own negative thoughts about the calling.
ReplyDeleteI have very strong thoughts on being an at-home mother. My husband was raised by a selfish mother who sometimes didn't come home at night until 10 PM and Doug had already tucked himself into bed. I see firsthand the effect this has had on my husband's life and who he is as an adult. Mothers and families are key building-blocks to society. We have to take this calling seriously and acknowledge that it's just as important as our husband's role of providing a salary for the family. People who undermine that are walking on dangerous ground.
Thank you always for your encouraging responses to my posts. You always give me something to think about :-)
DeleteI find this insensitive and close minded. I was raised by both parents, by a stay at home mom, homeschooled. And loved it! I wanted nothing more than to raise my children and probably home school them. I knew I was called to it. circumstances not in my control left me a divorced stay at home mom. Now I am a stay at home mom and I DO EVERYTHING ELSE. Even while married I took on all the household duties as a military wife with a spouse gone 70% of the time-and did it JOYFULLY. Now I am a student, and I work from home while trying to still be a stay at home mom--and I do it ALONE. NO HELP. NO SPOUSE-NO SUPPORT. My work load and expectations have tripled. I carry a load of guilt that I am failing my children because I can't give them the same time and attention even in the time I am home with them. Before it was about home and family and mothering-now its about survival. And the comment above is judgemental too. I absolutely love Jesus, but candy coated judgementalism out of just ignorance and lack of real life maturity is what turns so many off to Christianity. Be careful thinking that your calling is so perfectly set and that you somehow have gained a superior position, it borders on pride and alienates those who truly love their children and while just trying to survive & grab hold of every moment to be the best mother to their children that they can. Yes being a MOTHER is challenging for anyone. Being a stay at home mom is BUSY, and a sacrifice but it is also a LUXURY. But for SINGLE MOMS it may be a dream, a purpose and a calling that had to die. Compassion and Empathy goes a long way, so does life experience. So rather than have your feathers ruffled and so easily offended because you think people are "envious" of you--maybe you need to examine your own pride about being at home. Yes its honorable--but it doesn't make someone else less of a mother if they had to give up that dream. You are doing the exact thing that you were offended by.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that my words came across as judgemental to you. Truly, that is never my intention in my writing. My whole premise of writing this article was to encourage fellow SAHMs to choose to be joyful because they are able to stay at home. To respond to your words, my husband is also gone nearly 70% of the time, and so I can empathize with you and your previous situation. I couldn't imagine doing this on my own, and I'm sincerely sorry that you and your family had to live through the devastation of divorce. I did a post once on how single moms deserve a special crown in heaven. I have many friends who are single moms, including a very dear friend and my own sister-in-law. I see the enormous effort that you all put in on a daily basis. Life circumstances often change our very best plans, and I hear your heart that while you want to be devoted to your children full time, you have few options. Some women choose to not be at home, but I see that you and I do not fall into that category. We both desire to give our best to our families, and we both need daily encouragement from Him to succeed! I am fully aware that this lifestyle is a blessing. I have written about it many times in other posts. I do feel that it is my calling during this season, as you did when you were at home. It hurts my heart to see your sentence..."but for single moms it may be a dream, a purpose, and a calling that had to die." I hear the pain in your words, and I am so sorry that my words hit a nerve with you. I agree that I need to show more empathy. I'm not naturally bent towards mercy and compassion, and it's something that I intentionally work on each day. To be honest, I didn't see this type of reaction coming to my article at all. I hope that proves my sincerity. I wasn't trying to offend, in any way. As I said above, I was trying to encourage other SAHMs to joyfully and fully take hold of this season of life. To clarify, I didn't get my feathers ruffled because I think people are envious of me. I got my feathers ruffled because I felt like those "memes" took away the validation of me doing this job. And, I don't believe people are envious of me, specifically. I know there are mothers, like yourself, who desperately want to SAH, but life circumstances prevent it. I suppose a better phrase would be 'longing for this lifestyle.' I agree that a mother who does not SAH full-time is not less than a mother. I would never say anything to that effect. The majority of my posts are meant to provide encouragement to mothers in all stages of life and employment. I do hope you will browse through other things that I have written. If you would like to talk more about this, feel free to email me :-) Thanks for your honest words. I need to see varied reactions to my writing in order to do a better job, specifically with sensitivity, in the future. Blessings to you and your sweet children!
DeleteHow terribly rude and insensitive to leave such a hurtful comment and hide behind "Anonymous."
ReplyDeleteYes, it hurt my feelings. I wish the writer had shared their name so that I could respond personally...
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